What I lose when I say: I don’t belong

Not belonging is a familiar feeling, almost as it crawled into my crib while I was a baby and has stayed with me since. Small town Missouri until I was 17. Then Lippstadt, Germany. Tacoma, Washington. Seattle. Zürich. Never have I lived in a place where I’ve felt truly me, where I felt where my soul could thrive. But I’ve felt it. I felt my soul come alive when I was 17 visiting Lyon. Passing through Amsterdam throughout the past ten years. Visiting New York just a month ago. It's as if in a past life I lived in those cities, like my soul was reacquainting itself. So… why do I continue living in a place where I don’t feel I belong? For many years I’ve thought I would. But because of jobs or relationships I didn’t think it was possible.

But at the same time, I think it’s wrong to think a certain place can make me feel whole. I have to recognize the wonderful what I have - the skills I’m learning in my job, my apartment, safety, health. True belonging comes from within.

I’ve lived many years not doing things because I thought I was going to not be living there much longer. Not buying furniture, not making friends, not engaging hobbies. That was a mistake. To feel fully alive, I have to live in the now. Because now is all that matters. Now is all I have. Not belonging is a perception, not a fact. We have to remain vigilant about the stories we tell ourselves, and whether if they are helping us or hurting us, in the now.